OMG! Its been a long time.

I realized over the course of the last week that I have not posted anything in a while. This afternoon when I got home from work, I actually looked at my blog, and I have not posted in 14 days! Holy crap! Where the frak did the time go? No one out there is more angry with me (with perhaps the exception of SS4BC) than I am. The whole point of having a blog is to write in it. Anyway, I had a thought over the weekend about a post (or series of posts) that I wanted to write. Today seems like as good a time as any to get started on that.

This is what Id like to call Great Financial Decisions in DelMoniq History. And of course, the word great is here meant to simply mean big or important and NOT necessarily GOOD. There have been many more bad decisions in my life than good ones.

So without further ado, lets start off with the decision that started this idea for posts, and hopefully, over the next few days, I can hammer out a few more blog posts to go along with this theme.

I. Going into Therapy

This must be a good decision, since therapy is there to help you and not to hurt you. Oh god, I wish that were the case.

January 2006, I was in such a funk. I had been in funks before off and on over the years, but this was a doozy. I wasnt sleeping well, and I was exhausted all the time. Most days, I would go to work and sit at my desk staring off into space not really doing anything and not really thinking of anything (other than what a mess my life was at the time). Frankly, I was miserable pretty much all the time that I was awake. I drank WAY too much, and I smoked a ton. And I was simply drifting through my life existing and not really living.

Eventually, one of my friends (who by the way is no longer one of my friends, but for completely other reasons; he was definitely one of the great friends of my life, and I am really sad that I only knew him for a year or so)... anyway... this friend told me that I really needed to seek help -- either that or go out and fix myself on my own, either way something needed to be done. I fretted for a long time, and once the sad realization that if left to my own devices things would not change, I decided to seek out a psychiatrist.

The seeking out on its own was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. In total, I saw three different doctors. The first one was simply for the insurance purposes, and he suggested a list of other doctors that I could see. The second doctor that I saw told me (mind you this is after waiting over two weeks for an appointment) that I was going to be too much work for him and he did not have the time to devote to me. So, he recommended me to another doctor. After another week or so of waiting, I saw him. He said that the 2nd doctor was basically an asshole; why have me come for an appointment, if he wasnt going to take me? At least he didnt charge me for anything.

At this point (being a finance blog and all), I should point out that I have paid a grand total of $0 over the month of searching for a doctor. Which, by the way, is probably the most humiliating experience that I have had. The initial visit to a psychiatrist is absolute hell. Anyway, the 3rd doctor that I saw seemed like an okay guy, and there was no way in hell that I was going to try for a 4th.

So, we settled in for a regular weekly appointment, and he prescribed some meds. And for the first few months, things were okay; and I might even say that things were getting better. At least, my friends told me that they thought that I was getting better, even though I didnt feel any better.

The downfall of this therapist was one major thing (aside from the fact that I didnt think that I was getting any better), money. Each 50 minute session cost me $175. The meds I was on were too new for a generic version and that cost about $300/month. And in the beginning, he was nice about it. I collected the bills he sent me, and submitted them to the insurance for reimbursment (even though I had not paid anything) and they gave me $60/visit back and about 80% of the prescription charges. And when I had enough money saved up, I would bring a check with me to my appointment.

Towards the end of my time with this doctor, things were horrible. I wasnt feeling like I was getting better (it had been over a year), and he was irritable, because he wasnt getting paid as often as he would have liked. So it was a stalemate; he would not reduce his charges, and I couldnt scrape together more money to pay. And at the end of the year (maybe 9 months even), the insurance stopped reimbursing me, because I went over the max number of visits per year. So, I was screwed.

Eventually, he told me that if I could get together a lump payment of at least $7000 that he would forgive the rest of my bill (which at this point 18 months in was over $10,000). That was the last I saw of him. I started looking in to ways I could get $7000. And thus, the CitiFinancial personal loan was born. I was approved for $7500. They cut a check for $7000 directly to the doctor, which I mailed to him the next day, and I kept $500 for myself.

I never heard from the doctor again. There was no thank you for paying. There was no are you okay, you missed your last appointment. Nothing. And thats when I knew for sure that I had FINALLY made the right decision of dropping out of therapy. He was a shitty doctor.

So, now (nearly 2 years later), I dont feel much worse off than I did when I quit therapy; I dont feel better, but Ill settle for not worse. And I have $7500 in debt, after a long struggle to get my head above water, I was drowning again.

That, my friends, is Great Financial Decision #1. BAD CHOICE. What did I learn? Well, I used to tell myself that the lesson was that therapy sucks and does not help you at all. But after writing all of this out there, I think that the real lesson is to put in the effort to find a good doctor; do the research and you should be able to find someone that can help you AND work in your budget. The other side of the coin, is being able to say no. Had I thought about it when I started, I would have realized that $175/week was unmanageable, and I would have negotiated when I started, had him recommend someone cheaper, or just not started therapy. But now, I think that this experience has soured me entirely on therapy in general, and now I am just self-learning how to deal with my disorder or whatever you want to call it.