Yeah, I know that thinking usually gets me in trouble. Mainly because I tend to dwell on things and get all mopey and depressed, just ask my brother. All this work drama has me worried and stressed out, and it has brought about all the old feelings from my former, emotionally abusive boss and how it was when I got fired from that job.
Financially, I have to work. I wish that werent the case (dont we all). But honestly, if were told in my meeting with the boss on Wednesday that I would have to leave in two weeks... I would be royally frakked! I have less than $1000 in my combined savings accounts--not even enough for the next month of rent. The logical, reasonable part of me realizes that chances of me getting fired are slim, but the rest of me knows that there is now a non-zero chance of getting fired.
The boss has told me in the past that I was safe in my position and that I didnt have anything to worry about. [quote]Other people will leave before you do,[/quote] she said. But that was then, and this is now. She said just several weeks ago, when we first learned that the one grant didnt get funded, that no one should worry about his/her job at group meeting in front of everyone. A month later, my good friend is out of a job (and kicked out of school).
She has unwittingly (or perhaps purposefully) and irreversibly altered the mood/state of the lab. Everyone is worried about his/her job. Whether she intended to or not, she has ushered in a regime of fear. This is how my former boss ran his lab. Constantly being told that if you dont produce and publish on his time frame, you will be out.
I find myself forced to consider contingency plans. What would I do? semi-continuously reverberates in my mind. So, what would I do? I would need to find another job, ASAP. However, could I? Four years, one paper, fired for not producing results. Does NOT look good! Top that with the fact that this is my second postdoc position, and I was fired from the first one for...not producing results! Im unemployable -- with the notable exception that I know that SS4BC would hire me if she were running her own lab, but thats a minimum of two years off.
So, what would I do? The only thing I could do, I guess. Sell as much of my shit as I can, rent a truck, and shack up with my parents. Of course, without income, I would be in deep shit to the government for my taxes, and I would default on my loans. None of that will do good things to my credit rating. I would have to find some sort of job close to where my parents are and scrimp and save and figure out what to do.
So, what do I do now? I frakking work my ass off trying my frakking hardest to produce results so as NOT to get fired. And this situation has me frakking scared. I know from experience that this is not a good position to be in with a boss. I have a plan to get shit done, but I have no idea if the boss will agree with my plan. I have a plan to show her what is getting done, but is this going to be enough? How do you convince a boss NOT to fire you when your science isnt working? That is a question that had plagued me for a long time that I was sure I was past.
But I guess not. I just hope to gods that my plans work and that the outlook after Wednesdays meeting is better. Because right now, I am terrified.
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This scares me a lot as well. Especially since I know that to MOVE anywhere I'd need at least $2000 for moving expenses and two months worth of rent + a deposit at a new place. (Let's call that, what, $4,000 up front?)
ReplyDeleteSo, this is essentially the main reason why I really like having the option of working at Tutor.com. Right now I'm just using it to make an extra $100/month or whatever, but if I NEEDED to I could work up to 30 hours per week. At $10/hr I could make $1,200 per month. Which, while not rolling in cash, is enough to keep my above water if I do get fired for some reason. And still give me enough flexibility to find another job.
That said, I think you are FAR more hirable than you think. Perhaps maybe not at a huge R01 school because of the papers to years ratio, but at some of the liberal arts colleges (like the one you went to for undergrad), I think they would eat you up. You are a GREAT undergrad mentor, you can design projects for this level of student and still have the research be meaningful, and you're a FANTASTIC teacher.
I honestly think that you should TRY applying this year, even if you don't want to start a job in the 2010 school year - just to see what the hiring committees think of your application. Let THEM decide if you're ready enough or not - because they will tell you.
This is how Sam ended up at the University of New Hampshire. He was applying just to see how his application would be received and ended up getting a position.