Great Financial Decisions in DelMoniq History #2 - Moving to a Safer Neighborhood

This minorly ties in with Decision #1, but not obviously and not directly.

Picture it... crappy neighborhood Fall 2008. (Gold Girls reference, sorry, my gay is showing)....

Anyway, when I moved cross-country in 2005, I knew that I wasnt moving into the greatest of cities or the greatest of neighborhoods in said city. But it was good enough, the place was nice and affordable, and I could take public trans (or walk) to work.

Over my first three years here, I saw the neighborhood slowly decline. The people on my street (more importantly my building and neighbors owned by the same people) were moving away, and apartments were vacant for a long time. The people moving in were not of the same caliber as before. People around my age and situation (grad/med school types) were moving out and poorer families with many children were moving in.

Graffiti appeared on the back of our house. Cars in the back lot were broken into. The landlords put up a fence (it helped some, but was kinda retarded as it didnt actually enclose anything). A car was parked across the street for over a week with no one attending it, and eventually, all the windows were busted out of it. Turns out the car was stolen and abandoned on our street.

One night last October, I was playing video games and chilling out at home, and I heard shouting outside. I looked out the window, and saw a car parked in the middle of the street and two guys shouting at each other. I sat back down and played more games. And then, I heard it. Five or six very loud gunshots right outside my house. I looked out the window and saw one of the guys running off down the street.

I grabbed my phone and called 911. Moments later, police and fire trucks were there. I never really learned what happened that night. No one was killed on my street. But the seed had been placed... it was time to move. The police action took hours. People were yelling, police investigated. I heard one woman shout: Oh my god! Thats my sisters car! What the fuck? What happened?.

The next morning, I told my carpool what happened, and one of my friends responded, with oh just last week so and so told me that someone was shot and killed outside her house. That was a block away at the other end of my street!

That morning, I was on the phone with my landlord trying to get out of my lease. They understood. I had just signed a new lease two weeks earlier, so they were sad, but they did let me out of the lease. I promised to be out by December 1.

What followed was a month of hunting for apartments. That was so NOT easy. Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe this city is not that good in general? Eventually, I found a place that I liked; however, I (again) missed warning signs.

I was so focus on getting out of the ghetto and into a decent place, that I missed a few things. Anyway, I did see the apartment, but it was after dark and most of the lights in the place were burned out. As devils advocate, there are no ceiling lights in most of the apartment. But still, I should have insisted on revisiting in the daytime. But I liked the location and the layout, and they would take my cats. So I said I would apply. The rent was a bit more than I wanted to pay, and I did try to get him to come down on the deposit. But he said he wouldnt if I had the cats. UGH.

Anyway, what followed was a month of drama. Where I had rented apartments before (in a different state), there are very strict laws in place that landlords and tenants MUST follow. And everything is very well standardized and thought out. NOT HERE. First off, what I didnt realize at the time, was that I was dealing with a rental company and NOT the landlord. Their only goal is to rent the property for the landlord, collect their commission, and wash their hands of the whole thing. So, when I saw the apartment, I said it was dirty and needed to be cleaned. The rental agent told me that the landlord would have the place cleaned and painted in time for move in. And I agreed.

I had a meeting to sign the lease, but they didnt have the keys. So, I paid money and had NOTHING to show for it. The next day, I got the keys. But it was not ALL of the keys. I was missing a mailbox key and the key to balcony door (which is double keyed, so until I had a key it could not be LOCKED). After several run arounds with the rental people, I finally go in touch with the landlord. And he insisted that the rental people had all the keys. After assuring him that they did not have all the keys, I had to meet with him at his office (an OB/GYN office, very uncomfortable) during the work day to compare my keys with his keys. Turns out he had some keys that he didnt know what they were, and they were my missing keys.

Anyway, I drive up to check on the place during the day (weeks after I was told the place would be cleaned), and it wasnt. Nothing had been done. I talked with the landlord, and he said If I knew it had to be cleaned, I would have charged more for the deposit. What the fuck!?! That charge should have been made against the pigs that moved out of here.

Anyway, I told him that it didnt matter, because I had already rented a truck to move the next day. So on moving day, I rented a carpet shampooer and my friend (the compulsive cleaner) shampooed and vacuumed and scrubbed while us boys moved boxes from the truck.

So, the financial part come in here. At the same time that Im looking for a new place to live, I get my October 2008 paycheck, and I find that it is $1000 LESS than it had been before. Turns out, on my 3rd anniversary, I got reclassified in the system and now taxes are being deducted when they were not before. Well, shit. I needed that money to move! So, I had to beg money from the parents (I hate doing that), and I was able to refinance the CitiLoan and get an additional $900.

So, to recap. Moving is hard enough as it is without the landlord/rental agent being assholes. Moving is expensive enough even when your job doesnt suddenly stop 1/3 of your pay. And now, all the progress of paying $200+/month to the loan from the therapy has been washed away and theres even more debt. And I had to get money from the parents, which I had not needed to do in years.

The upside, no one is getting shot on my street, and I dont feel unsafe walking to my car after dark at home. And there is a washer and dryer in my apartment. The downside, I now have still more debt and more guilt than before. My rent is $175/month more than before and I make $1000 less/month. Plus, utilities here are more expensive, and now I have to drive to work.

I guess, in the long run, for my piece of mind the safety is most important. But I now have ZERO extra money ever. I am back to where I was financially in 2004, which was pretty shitty. I dont have mountains of credit card debt, but there is that damn CitiLoan still out there. And I have no real money in my savings accounts. I had been hoping that by 2010 things would be less bleak, but it does not appear to be turning out that way.

I am kinda very annoyed with my apartment. All the little things are now glaring blemishes. I hate my downstairs neighbors. I dont like the driving to work. And now I am 100% stuck. There is no way to get more money from the parents (especially after they helped with the vet costs in June). And I doubt that I would be able to get more money out of the CitiLoan. So, I just need to tough it out here until I get my real job in the mythological future.

And there is the added horribleness of having my friends not completely understand the situation. I used to travel 3 or 4 times each year to visit friends or family. Now, I absolutely can not do that. There is no money. I havent been on a trip for almost a year. And there are things that I would love to do. But I am living in a situation of my own creating, and I need to deal with that.

It just sucks you know. On paper, moving was a BAD decision, but is the safety issue and piece of mind (however how small) worth the added financial stress? I dont know. Probably. I really dont think that I could handle that neighborhood now. But it just sucks that I had to ruin my finances to get out of there and that I am not 100% satisfied with my apartment.

Overall, I declare this situation NEUTRAL.

Thinking about stuff.

Yeah, I know that thinking usually gets me in trouble. Mainly because I tend to dwell on things and get all mopey and depressed, just ask my brother. All this work drama has me worried and stressed out, and it has brought about all the old feelings from my former, emotionally abusive boss and how it was when I got fired from that job.

Financially, I have to work. I wish that werent the case (dont we all). But honestly, if were told in my meeting with the boss on Wednesday that I would have to leave in two weeks... I would be royally frakked! I have less than $1000 in my combined savings accounts--not even enough for the next month of rent. The logical, reasonable part of me realizes that chances of me getting fired are slim, but the rest of me knows that there is now a non-zero chance of getting fired.

The boss has told me in the past that I was safe in my position and that I didnt have anything to worry about. [quote]Other people will leave before you do,[/quote] she said. But that was then, and this is now. She said just several weeks ago, when we first learned that the one grant didnt get funded, that no one should worry about his/her job at group meeting in front of everyone. A month later, my good friend is out of a job (and kicked out of school).

She has unwittingly (or perhaps purposefully) and irreversibly altered the mood/state of the lab. Everyone is worried about his/her job. Whether she intended to or not, she has ushered in a regime of fear. This is how my former boss ran his lab. Constantly being told that if you dont produce and publish on his time frame, you will be out.

I find myself forced to consider contingency plans. What would I do? semi-continuously reverberates in my mind. So, what would I do? I would need to find another job, ASAP. However, could I? Four years, one paper, fired for not producing results. Does NOT look good! Top that with the fact that this is my second postdoc position, and I was fired from the first one for...not producing results! Im unemployable -- with the notable exception that I know that SS4BC would hire me if she were running her own lab, but thats a minimum of two years off.

So, what would I do? The only thing I could do, I guess. Sell as much of my shit as I can, rent a truck, and shack up with my parents. Of course, without income, I would be in deep shit to the government for my taxes, and I would default on my loans. None of that will do good things to my credit rating. I would have to find some sort of job close to where my parents are and scrimp and save and figure out what to do.

So, what do I do now? I frakking work my ass off trying my frakking hardest to produce results so as NOT to get fired. And this situation has me frakking scared. I know from experience that this is not a good position to be in with a boss. I have a plan to get shit done, but I have no idea if the boss will agree with my plan. I have a plan to show her what is getting done, but is this going to be enough? How do you convince a boss NOT to fire you when your science isnt working? That is a question that had plagued me for a long time that I was sure I was past.

But I guess not. I just hope to gods that my plans work and that the outlook after Wednesdays meeting is better. Because right now, I am terrified.

Worried for the Future

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and I am sorry for that. Lots has been going on. But first I have to say that over the weekend, I spilled grape soda on my laptop. Everything is fine and not sticky. However, the apostrophe key was a casualty of my clumsiness. So bear with me if my contractions looks stupid, and Ill try not to quote anything. I have an external keyboard, but I didnt feel like hooking it up.

Anyway, as for the lots happening... One of my best friends here -- a coworker of mine -- was fired. UGH. The whole thing doesnt make any sense, and no one understands what the boss was thinking. Hes a graduate student, and what this essentially means is that he has been kicked out of school. The reasoning -- the boss doesnt think that he will accomplish enough to graduate in a soon enough time frame. Given that he has a max of three years left (plenty of time, in my opinion), this is pretty much a slap in the face.

Needless to say tensions were running high in lab today. And, as apparently the go-to guy in lab, people were coming to me expressing worry for their own positions. Basically, now everyone is worried that if he/she doesnt get enough results in enough time (enough being an arbitrary and subjective quantity defined by the boss) that he/she will be fired (or kicked out of school). Its ludicrous! This is really NOT the tone she needs to set for the lab. But whatever, its done. My friend will be out of work in a couple weeks and will most likely be moving out of state before Christmas.

This is especially mind bottling (yes, I said that on purpose. See Blades of Glory.) in light of the fact that this summer, she took on a new graduate student, and she is seriously a waste of space. Its going to be interesting, as she is presenting for lab meeting this week.

I am just seriously pissed at all of this. And I am dying to know the bosss side of things. Part of me thinks that I can get away with talking to her about it by coming at it from the point of view of the person who will be in her position and wanting to know how she came to this decision. I really will need to know how to know when to cut a graduate student out. But I dont know if shell tell me anything or not. I think that Im just going to wait until my next scheduled one-on-one meeting with the boss next week.

Of course, having been fired from a job for not bringing in enough results, I know how my friend feels, and of course, I too am worried about my job here. I know that the boss has told me in the past NOT to worry about my job and that other people would be let go before me, if need be. But still Im worried. And I would start applying for jobs now, if I had ANY chance of being able to get one. Alas, it comes down to getting results. And while, Ive worked my ass off in this lab, I only have one publication from my nearly 4 years here. Thats not enough. Mostly, this is because my original project was a bust, and I spent 2.5 years or so on it trying to get it to work. Its only been in the last year that Ive had something going that was literally crapping results. Ive just been working on getting a story together. If all goes well, Ill have something written up by the end of the year.

Anyway, I digress.

All this worry has me thinking tonight about where Id like to go. I have an idea job in mind. Of course, I think Id like to be a PI and run my own lab. But when it comes down to it, I dont think thats what Id really like to do. I LOVE doing science. Sure, I have ideas, and I can write about science. But the more I realize what my PIs have done and are doing, the less I actually WANT that job. I like getting my hands dirty in the trenches. I like working one-on-one with students in the lab and teaching lab skills and DOING experiments.

On the other side of the coin is my good buddy, SS4BC. She loves going to conferences, talking to people, networking, writing grants, and such. Sure, shes a fabulous chemist and a great experimentalist. But she was BORN to be a PI. And she has great ideas, and I know that shell do great things with them. And half-jokingly, half-seriously, weve talked about working together. I think that as a team, wed be UNSTOPPABLE. Can we make this work? Is she as serious about it as I am? I dont know. I think that our timing may just work out.

Shes on track to be done with her current position in two years, and shell be looking for faculty positions during that time. So, in theory, shell be on her own by Fall 2011. Given how much slower my experiments are than hers (seriously, Ive been prepping for my big experiment since June and its going to take about 6-8 months to DO the experiment), Ill probably be job-ready about the time she starts a faculty position. Hmmm. This could work.

So, what I was thinking about tonight was this: in an idea world, where would I want to live and settle down? And being the map-geek that I am, I made a color coded map to indicate my preferences.




Its color coded from Green to Red (Most to Least Desirable, respectively). Blue falls in the middle. Yeah, Im sure it looks a bit odd to most people, but Ive got my reasons. Do you live an Okturn-Desired area? What do you think? Am I being too judgmental? Im not saying that Id ONLY look for jobs in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego. Im just saying that if two identical jobs were offered in LA or New Jersey, Id take the job in LA. If the perfect job for me is in Montana, so be it. But Id like to stay in more greener pastures (so to speak).

Anyway, it breaks down like this... Living in CT has taught me that (1) I HATE Winter and (2) I HATE New England. So, places guaranteed snow...OUT. (except for NYC, because its a big city and I wouldnt have to drive). Im a CA boy at heart, and I LOVE SoCal and San Francisco. Ive got friends in SoCal Seattle, Georgia, Florida, South Texas, and family in Kansas and Arkansas, and it would be nice to be closer to them. Pretty much the rest is weather based or based on some arbitrary idea that I have about the area.